Yesterday, scientists announced that Prozac doesn't really work. That's too bad, because Hillary Clinton's desperation level is making me feel pretty sad for her lately. In order to help restore some of the woman's long-lost dignity before she sabotages the entire democratic process, I am offering up my March 4th primary vote to Mrs. Clinton if she agrees to meet the following conditions.
Take note, oh hideously desperate lady of politics:
1. Admit your mistakes. This is the first step in any recovery, but it's such a long list for you that we'll have to chop it down. You can start by admitting that your campaign is attempting to portray your opponent as a Muslim because you think Americans hate Muslims. Go ahead, admit you are trying to turn Americans of different religions against each other just so you can win votes from the working-class people you look down upon in Ohio (a tactic you learned from your Republican friends). You can then admit that you voted for the Iraq war because it was the politically safe stance at the time and then switched your stance when it became unpopular. Admit you screwed Ohioans out of their jobs by pushing NAFTA and are now pretending you didn't so that you can get those poor people to vote for you now that you need them. Perhaps we can shorten this one down to: Admit you don't stand for anything and will do whatever is necessary to get elected.
2. Renounce your unfair claim to the Florida and Michigan delegates. Show a shred of decency and agree to abide by the rules that you said you would abide by instead of trying to cheat the system. Announce it today, and we'll knock an extra item off this list since it will make you seem much less repugnant.
3. Stop campaigning against hope. Whoever told you to give speeches criticizing your opponent for offering hope does not deserve the hundreds of thousands of dollars you're paying them to make decisions for you. Fire them and start talking about your own brand of hope instead of coming off like a school teacher who wants to cancel recess.
4. Come up with a real universal health care plan. You claim 35 years of experience but somehow have never come close to getting universal health care passed. Now you insist you've got a better plan, but even Michael Moore says it's crap. Try coming up with a plan that doesn't unfairly garnish my wages.
5. Show a little consistency. Start by maybe trying to be the same person for five minutes. Then try working on an hour, and possibly move on to a day. I'm sick of reading about all the different personalities and stances you're taking out of desperation to try to revive your sinking campaign. You go from shaking Obama's hand to telling him "Shame on you" and accusing him of being like Karl Rove and George W. Bush when, um, No, he's not.
6. Stop calling the kettle black. This has multiple meanings, but we'll overlook your husband's race baiting for now. What I'm talking about here is your recent attempt to portray Obama as someone who is running a dirty campaign and who somehow takes after the neocons. I know that your political advisors are telling you this is a solid strategy because that's the traditional neocon wisdom on which you're basing your flailing campaign. But get a clue: Obama's strategy is constructed to exploit this tactic. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the majority of Democrats think you're making an idiot of yourself by attacking Obama for doing the very things you are doing. After all, you're basically just spending a lot of lobbyist money and hot air trying to convince everyone he's just as corrupt as you. Good luck with that.
7. Stop crying on the eve of election nights. I didn't see you cry when you gave George W. Bush the right to launch an illegal, borderline genocidal war in Iraq. Nor did I catch any tears on your face when the towers went down on 9/11. But now suddenly you get all choked up for the cameras when telling people how hard it is to run for president? After spending millions of dollars and countless hours campaigning, you've made one thing abundantly clear: the only person you care about is Hillary Clinton.
So, there it is, Hill. Seven steps to get my vote. All would be reasonably attainable for a person of substance and would cost much less than the campaign you're waging.
But then again, what would you know about responsible spending?
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