I crave the heavy earth and stiff air of this
city. That's why I stay here. I like the dusty museums of old houses,
their bookcases the threshold of love and information. I make it
to the Julianne's Mom's old mosquitoed house in the dead part of
the night, half past midnight, crickets and neighbors' televisions
masking what could have been silence a hundred years earlier, back
when there was no TV and the crickets stayed on the other side of
Julianne was a Georgia girl through and through, up and down. She
also an international traveler, a fire dancer, an easy walking Ivy
League grad with painted toenails and a sparkly shudder when you
touched her shoulder in a familiar way.
I could be familiar. We had experiences.
The ferns on her mother's porch were always too dry. One August,
was too difficult to keep quiet about it. They needed water. Rain
scarce that summer. I pointed this out to Julianne. "Your Mom
water the ferns."
"The rain will come."
The next day, the rain came all over and through Atlanta, a biblical
torrent that I still think of when I hear the first push of thunder
from the north or from way up in the sky where some God bangs two
sticks together and out go the lights of Buckhead.
But on that last dry day, I pulled a detaching fern leaf, a pretty
one, more oval than normal, a chalky green that matched Julianne's
eyes as close an anything could. I held it to her ear. She retreated.
"I don't want that dirty thing in my ear."
"It's nature. It's the color of your eyes." I was a positive
were seniors in high school.
She squinted suspiciously and then changed her mind, deciding to
smile. "Well, keep it for yourself, to remind you of me when
I'm up in
Ithaca, going out bowling on Friday nights like those northerners
It's surprising how well dead leaves keep when you store them in
cellophane sleeves, the kind they make for baseball cards. There
the porch leaf. And the leaf from the maple tree in the parking
the Perimeter Mall the night we saw Dead Poets Society. And six
from when I took her camping on Stone Mountain. There were others.
thought it was funny, me and my nature keepsakes. She only knew
few of them.
The night of the afternoon I gave her the fern leaf, Julianne and
stayed up late watching Cheers reruns and David Letterman. I kissed
her a few seconds after I turned off the TV with the universal remote
her Mom bought off QVC. The thing worked. The darkness was all I
needed to make my move, my push, face to face.
A few minutes later, she asked me "Do you love me?"
All I knew from television and movies was to lie. "No"
I said. She
wrinkled her nose and laughed. Then she closed her eyes and held
hand. She was asleep in a minute. I was awake the whole night. I
watched her. I sketched her. Her REM sleep was beautiful. She smiled
in one of her dreams. She frowned in another. I put the fern leaf
behind her ear for a few minutes while she still had the frown.
a picture. I keep it in the trunk of my car.
Tonight, 15 years later, I'm still in town. Julianne, more Atlanta
than a thousand streets and buildings named after politicians, is
back in town for the first time in years, for her Mom's funeral.
She's invited me over for tea and conversation. I chose to keep
the leaves at home, in my ancient rented Midtown duplex, with its
hazy yellow walls and damp attic where my cat Abernathy likes to
chase the bats. I don't go up there. They might not be bats. Damn,
they could be anything.
Julianne's Mom died in the house alone. Earlier today, I told Julianne
over the phone that I could come over late, real late, after my
shift ended at the blood lab. She was okay with it. "I'm not
I thought I would show her the picture of herself sleeping at 16
trigger a reaction, an instinct, toward sleep. But then she'd know
took the picture and kept it and it's scary to see an old picture
yourself sleeping with a frown and a dirty leaf behind your ear.
especially scary to see it three days after your mother dies.
The house still looks the same. Julianne looks like a 31-year old
version of Julianne. I think I look the same but this what I hear
we sit on a love seat in her big old bedroom: "You've filled
I nod. I know what she means. Metabolism changes and I still like
the Chick-Fil-A. "Did you fly here from Maryland?"
"Yeah, I left out of BWI."
"I don't like to fly."
"Well, I can't think about what I like right now."
"Is the funeral at the Edmonds place?" I knew. I'd seen
the paper. I had a printed invitation.
"Yes," she says and I watch her close her eyes again.
She takes my wrist like it's a leash and there's something at the
other end itching to run away. "I don't want this house. My
Mama left me this house."
"Will you sell it?" I say as I think of asking her if
she'd rent it
out to a cash-poor blood lab boy like me.
"I can't sell my Mama's house, can I?"
"It's yours now."
"I hated this house growing up. All I could do was sleep here.
can't do that anymore."
"You did like to sleep."
"I took my peace when I could get it."
I could say more but she's still holding my wrist and I don't want
talk about what had upset her childhood peace, for fear that she
might let go. She closes her eyes again, but I know she's awake
the whole time I'm asleep, exhausted from work.
I wake when I hear a rustling noise. I think I feel her hand still
holding mine but there's nothing there. No, she's in the closet.
"Just looking for something."
"What are you looking for?"
"An old picture of us, camping."
I didn't know such a picture existed and all I really know are
"That guy, that hippie guy with the redhead fro – remember
when he wanted to take a picture of us?"
"And he asked for my address and you said 'Don't give it to
him, he's a redheaded hippie and all.'"
I remembered cautioning her against giving her home address to
strangers but I don't recall disparaging his persona or his hair.
"A few months later, I ran into him at a Braves game with
my Mama. He looked exactly the same."
"She loved the Braves."
"She loved that Steve Avery. He was a cutie."
"Good pitcher too," I add, as if she doesn't know.
"I remember her crying in 1991. When we lost to the Twins."
She says this too matter-of-factly.
"So you saw the guy?" I had cried too in 1991.
"Yeah. He said 'I still got your picture.' So I said 'send
damn thing' and two days later it arrived in that old broken mailbox
on that awful dirty porch a couple of days before I left for Cornell
and I put it in the closet here and now I can't find it."
She looks in shoeboxes full of old developed photos from the nineties
and eighties and way back to whenever her family first lived in
the house. I think it's been 50 years.
"It's a loose photo, in a baggie."
"A baggie?" I thought I was the only one who wrapped
old things in plastic.
"A baggie!" she shrieks as she holds up an old Ziploc
bag with the photo.
I look at myself from 15 years ago. I look at Julianne in the picture.
We weren't smiling, just sort of grinning, but we were happy.
Today we're sitting on the love seat again. The bed she can't sleep
in is right there. She watches me stare at the picture. "That
was a few weeks after that other picture you took."
"Which other picture?" I ask, surprised, because, again,
all I know
"The one with the leaf."
"You know about that one?" I feel blood rushing. I don't
know where it's going but I feel it rushing.
"Did you think I was sleeping?"
"I thought you were dreaming."
"No, I was pretending to dream. I was imagining that this
house was a dinosaur, with big strong powerful loping legs. It was
chasing me through the forest, the one there used to be before they
put up all those hotels on Peachtree. I felt it when you put the
leaf behind my ear."
"You didn't stop me. You didn't move."
"I thought it was cute, the leaf. The dinosaur house chased
me 'round and 'round the forest that's not there anymore."
"That's why you were frowning."
"No I was pretending to be scared. I guess I frown when I'm
trying to look scared." I'm not surprised that she remembers
expression, much less a dream, from so long ago.
"Did the dinosaur get you?"
"Frankie, it wasn't a real dream. Just a story to occupy my
mind while you were taking pictures."
"I only took one. In the story, did he get you?"
"It got me all right. Do you still have that picture?"
"Yes, just wait here." I let go of her hand and grab
my keys. I put on my flip-flops. It's cold outside for summer. I'll
be out here a while. I have to move the spare tire, the old suitcase,
and the bag of mulch for my landlord. But it's down there, wrapped
in two baggies, in a manila envelope, waiting to be seen.