Five Alternatives to Throwing Your Penis at the Police (A Cautionary Tale)

"Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. . ."
-Chicago Sun Times, March 17th, 2006

After reading the account of Mr. Fik's unfortunate episode with the Chicago Police Department, I got to thinking: Perhaps lofting your penis toward a cadre of the Windy City's finest as they descend on your house is not an ideal defensive maneuver. Of course, I have never been surrounded by more than a few policemen—at a Thai massage parlor downtown—but I can understand the inclination. The rent's late, you've spent all morning inhaling oven cleaner from a paper bag and the missus keeps nagging about "responsibility." So, you go out to break a few windows and maybe pistol-whip a haberdasher and when you get back home to relax, someone's out on your lawn with a megaphone talking about more "responsibility." You just snap. You steel yourself with a shot of Nyquil and sunscreen, and in the ensuing whirlwind you've lobbed your penis out the window like a one of those World War I Russian gas grenades.

After a few weeks of deliberation, I thought that I would recommend for those of us prone to the kind of dong-flinging neuroses exhibited by Mr. Fik, a few alternatives to his modus operandi when it comes to resisting arrest, incarceration and/or humiliation.

1. Do you enjoy sports? Often times a baseball or hockey puck can substitute for your penis when set upon by the men in blue. I once heard of a man in Irondequoit, New York who held an entire S.W.A.T. team at bay for three days using only flaming shuttlecocks and a Mets pennant sharpened along the hypotenuse. If you are not much of a sportsman, fret not. There are a few other alternatives to lobbing your wang out the window.

2. As reported in the news clip, Mr. Fik used a quantity of knives to keep the police out of his home. This, I would say, is a really first-rate idea for keeping anybody out of your house, provided that you throw the knives first; otherwise, we're looking at a man with no penis throwing knives, which is, to be honest, more exhausting than fear-inducing.

3. I looove the Food Network. Now, if you're thinking of trying the old "kill them with kindness" technique, I'll be happy to provide an aces recipe for Apple Bundt Cake (especially effective during the fall season) that might assuage the police into reconsidering a violent breach into your home. I've been working with aerodynamics and structural integrity and I find the cake lands upright and stays together better when pecans are substituted for walnuts. I don't know why. But don't throw it like it's a bomb—this is almost certain to mean the tear gas for you. Throw it nice-like.

4. If you are really intent on tossing your penis out the window, for God's sake, man—do a practice run. Hustle to your refrigerator and throw a Polish Kielbasa out the front door. Before you do this, tuck your still-intact genitalia between your legs, emulating that scene from Silence of the Lambs where the guy executes a near-flawless "mangina." If the cops split, you're home free and you've still got your package. If they make a move to enter your home, reveal your transgendered ruse and perhaps everybody will just have a great laugh.

5. How are your people skills? If you have many friends, this can be put to your advantage in a hostile situation. Hey, who's house is this anyway, Luther? You wanted to come over and watch the game, you throw your penis out the window. If he's any kind of friend, he'll at least be quick on his feet and find a way for this to work out smoothly, thus saving his member from going airborne into a knot of cops. If not, he should be accommodating enough as a guest to "let it fly."

I hope these few suggestions have been helpful, or at least informative for those of you "on the fence" about how to behave in a crisis situation. I maintain that I have everybody's best interest in mind here, and if I can stop one, just one poor soul from tossing his pecker at the police then I've done my job. Please join me later this week for the next segment in this series: How to Keep Your Testicles Out of Your X-Box. Thank You.

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