U.I.O.G.D.

I always put that at the top of each page. Ut In Omnibus Glorificetur Dei, which means That In All Things God May Be Glorified.

This week I learned that every other year the Holy Ghost plants a baby seed in a married mom’s tummy. Nine months later a slit opens up underneath across the bottom and the baby slides out. It’s not like a zipper. It doesn’t go up and down but across like a smile, all at once. It just appears when the baby is ready. Baby slits are minor miracles, not major enough ones for the mom to be named a saint. Most moms are way way too busy for that. You can’t be named a saint unless you perform thousands of good deeds for the poor and cause at least two major miracles after you die that aren’t proved fraudulent by the Devil’s advocate appointed by the Holy See. The Holy See is the pope. See in Latin means sitting in his papal chair. While sitting there, he is infallible. If he says you’re a saint then you are, ipso facto. A few days later the slit heals back together without any help from the doctor who delivered the baby. That storks deliver babies is mere superstition, of course.

The mom is the actual mother, of course. She carried the baby around all that time, eating for two until it grew big enough to come out and start crying. To make it stop crying she nurses it, sometimes with a bottle, sometimes with one of her breasts, which are a sin to look at unless you’re her husband, or unless it’s honestly by accident and only for a couple of seconds. Four or five at the most. Especially nipples, which you shouldn’t even think about, ever. Just long enough to know what you’re looking at and decide of your own volition to look away. The same for any girl’s who is old enough, the same for any woman’s unless she is old.

The main difference is, God the Father is the father of Jesus. St. Joseph was Mary’s husband, but still. In all other families the mom’s husband is the actual father of the baby.

Baby Jesus was born when the Holy Ghost helped God the Father by planting the seed inside Mary via the immaculate conception. Via in Latin means “by,” and im means “the opposite of.” Maculate means “stained,” because immaculate is the opposite. Maculations are stains on the soul that cause birth defects and other bad things. Conception means “idea made flesh.” It makes perfect sense. Jesus was flesh of her flesh, so Mary was exempt from all stain of original sin. In case there’s any doubt, Gramma Grace has holy cards showing it. The Holy Ghost rains down on Mary, but the Holy Ghost isn’t a rain cloud. It’s a white dove glowing in a bright golden light above Mary, or sometimes just the light beams, no Mary. Light beams rain down on her immaculate heart, just like the holy cards show. Most moms and girls keep them as bookmarks in their missals or purses. Most grammas too, and of course all the nuns. But so how many kids do nuns have? They have none. They’re not married, so no baby seeds ever get planted in them.

Everyone knows the difference between homophones like “nun” and “none,” but some people still mix up “apostles” and “epistles” because they’re near-homophones, but not homonyms. You just have to remember that epistles are letters the apostles wrote to their flocks after Jesus ascended unto Heaven. It was like He rained up.

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