Quotes from My Little Sister’s Writing Professor

Some quotes from my little sister’s writing professor (said during class):

“Never think. Thinking is of absolutely no use to writers.”

“Did you know that Brad Pitt likes to type ‘LOL’ at the end his IM’s?”

“My mom says ‘YOU have no concept of sin, and that’s your problem!’”

“Sit through an entire Portuguese class, then go ‘I don’t know Portuguese.’”

“Hungry hungry hippos definitely makes a party.”

“Poets are scared to write all the way to the right side of the page. Yeah, I said it.”

“Oh look at me, I’m the best person in this bible study! I out bibled you! I win!”

“I think it’s really important to be the kind of person who goes ‘aww, bunnies.’ Then your friend goes ‘Where?’ and you say ‘No, I was just thinking of bunnies.”

“Nobody goes ‘Oh shoot, I forgot to masturbate today!’ or ‘Oh no, I missed yesterday too. Now I gotta do it twice.’… It’s not something you schedule.”

“I have tea parties every afternoon… tea parties of the mind!”

“I juxtaposed my sandwich next to my chips. Aye.”

The Giving Tree is a good coffee table book, especially if you are a guy trying to look sensitive. Leave it out and pretend it means a lot to you… Hey, do what you gotta do.”

“You’re kind of an idiot if you’re hiding behind a boulder and someone asks what you are doing and you say ‘Shhh! The tree will find me!’”

“2000 words? I don’t know that many!”

“I like my dietary needs to be dictated by a clown with a Scottish surname.”

“I’ll probably revise this. Maybe take out the naked Jewishness of it.”

“I paid my friend to say to a waiter ‘I like my coffee like I like my men. Sweet brown and hot.’ And she did! It was fun!”

“When you’re dying, you’re like ‘Damn, this is different.’”

“Going around saying ‘Zimmerman rocks’ is not enough to unite a generation. I know because I know a guy who tried.”

“My self loathing is entirely apolitical.”

“Yeah! My people! We are the great shampooers of the world!”

“I know about Puff Daddy and the whole family!”

“I walked through the gate of the Taj Mahal and was like “It’s right there!” and the guy next to me was like ‘… yes… it is.’”

“If I find out one of my students from like 5 years ago had a crush on me, I might go stand beneath her window and recite from The Elements of Style and try and recreate the magic.”

“I’ve made lots of black women cry… you just know mean black women.”

“Cookies are actually cookies. It’s not a euphemism.”

“He was like ‘You must have a point.’ And I was like ‘What is this you speak of?’”

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