Five Alternatives to Throwing Your Penis
at the Police (A Cautionary Tale)
by Tyler Smith
Posted: May 9, 2006
"Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something
unusual at them -- his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during
a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by
police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the
officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took
him into custody. . ."
-Chicago Sun Times, March 17th, 2006
After reading the account of Mr. Fik's unfortunate
episode with the Chicago Police Department, I got to thinking: Perhaps
lofting your penis toward a cadre of the Windy City's finest as
they descend on your house is not an ideal defensive maneuver. Of
course, I have never been surrounded by more than a few policemen—at
a Thai massage parlor downtown—but I can understand the inclination.
The rent's late, you've spent all morning inhaling oven cleaner
from a paper bag and the missus keeps nagging about "responsibility."
So, you go out to break a few windows and maybe pistol-whip a haberdasher
and when you get back home to relax, someone's out on your lawn
with a megaphone talking about more "responsibility."
You just snap. You steel yourself with a shot of Nyquil and sunscreen,
and in the ensuing whirlwind you've lobbed your penis out the window
like a one of those World War I Russian gas grenades.
After a few weeks of deliberation, I thought that I would recommend
for those of us prone to the kind of dong-flinging neuroses exhibited
by Mr. Fik, a few alternatives to his modus operandi when
it comes to resisting arrest, incarceration and/or humiliation.
1. Do you enjoy sports? Often times a baseball or hockey puck can
substitute for your penis when set upon by the men in blue. I once
heard of a man in Irondequoit, New York who held an entire S.W.A.T.
team at bay for three days using only flaming shuttlecocks and a
Mets pennant sharpened along the hypotenuse. If you are not much
of a sportsman, fret not. There are a few other alternatives to
lobbing your wang out the window.
2. As reported in the news clip, Mr. Fik used a quantity of knives
to keep the police out of his home. This, I would say, is a really
first-rate idea for keeping anybody out of your house, provided
that you throw the knives first; otherwise, we're looking
at a man with no penis throwing knives, which is, to be honest,
more exhausting than fear-inducing.
3. I looove the Food Network. Now, if you're thinking of trying
the old "kill them with kindness" technique, I'll be happy
to provide an aces recipe for Apple Bundt Cake (especially effective
during the fall season) that might assuage the police into reconsidering
a violent breach into your home. I've been working with aerodynamics
and structural integrity and I find the cake lands upright and stays
together better when pecans are substituted for walnuts. I don't
know why. But don't throw it like it's a bomb—this is almost
certain to mean the tear gas for you. Throw it nice-like.
4. If you are really intent on tossing your penis out the window,
for God's sake, man—do a practice run. Hustle to your refrigerator
and throw a Polish Kielbasa out the front door. Before you do this,
tuck your still-intact genitalia between your legs, emulating that
scene from Silence of the Lambs where the guy executes
a near-flawless "mangina." If the cops split, you're home
free and you've still got your package. If they make a move to enter
your home, reveal your transgendered ruse and perhaps everybody
will just have a great laugh.
5. How are your people skills? If you have many friends, this can
be put to your advantage in a hostile situation. Hey, who's house
is this anyway, Luther? You wanted to come over and watch the game,
you throw your penis out the window. If he's any kind of friend,
he'll at least be quick on his feet and find a way for this to work
out smoothly, thus saving his member from going airborne into a
knot of cops. If not, he should be accommodating enough as a guest
to "let it fly."
I hope these few suggestions have been helpful, or at least informative
for those of you "on the fence" about how to behave in
a crisis situation. I maintain that I have everybody's best interest
in mind here, and if I can stop one, just one poor soul from tossing
his pecker at the police then I've done my job. Please join me later
this week for the next segment in this series: How to Keep Your
Testicles Out of Your X-Box. Thank You.
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