|
|
Seven Things I've Learned This Year
1. Getting a cat is not necessarily a good idea. If you are not in a committed relationship and therefore spending most nights alone in the king size bed that was expressly bought for the two of you, back when there was a "two of you," the idea of having someone or something to snuggle up against sounds very enticing. However, you cannot be assured that a cat will provide this service. Just as they are quite finicky about what they eat, they also seem to be finicky about who they sleep with-a quality that is quite a novelty in this town. Furthermore, the negative connotation of the phrase "single woman with a cat" is still very much alive. If a friend innocently says "You have a few cats, don't you?" when in truth you have only one, you may want to take a moment to reflect on your reputation. In addition, once you become a cat owner, you become fair game to other single female cat owners who automatically assume that you actually want to discuss the joys of having a feline friend and who may even buy you a cat-shaped picture frame for your birthday so you can proudly show off your bundle of joy. Although this gift may not be something that you end up displaying on your mantel, it will come in handy when you need a gift under $5.00 to put in the office holiday party grab bag.
2. Just because it's sugar-free or fat-free, does not mean it's non-caloric. The people behind the counter at the sugar-free Mani's Bakery neglect to tell you this, even after you believe you've established some semblance of intimacy with them because you've stopped there every day for the last six months for a muffin or a vanilla crème heart shaped cookie. However, you need not worry, as soon enough your hips will alert you as you struggle to zip your jeans that you swear were actually big the last time you wore them. At first you'll try to convince yourself that the maid accidentally washed them in hot water and dried them on high heat, but this veil of denial will be unnecessary once you realize you can saunter into Old Navy and buy some new ones—if you're lucky enough to find a parking space in the Beverly Connection. Rumors abound that Mani's and Old Navy are part of the same conglomerate and have a reciprocal relationship, which is why prices are kept low enough that it's unnecessary to take out a second mortgage just to buy a pair of corduroys. By this time, you will have probably discovered The Flowering Tree, the "no sugar restaurant" on Santa Monica Blvd. where you can achieve regular status and preferential treatment to the point where they will open the locked doors for you when it's past closing time so that you can get your sugar free, non-dairy frozen yogurt fix, allowing you to discover that there are more important places than the Hollywood Canteen or Sky Bar to have clout in this town.
3. You can never have enough shoes. There have been books written about the fascination of women with shoes and I actually own some of these books, although I am proud to say I didn't spend my well-earned money on them…they were gifts. I swear. At any rate, every woman is bound to discover this universal truth sooner or later, especially if they have first-person experience with the aforementioned truism and they come to find that they're becoming a little "fluffy." For your edification, "fluffy" connotes a weight gain of 2-4 lbs. over your normal fighting weight and is usually only perceptible by very close girlfriends and/or gay men. In short, shoes always fit. No matter how much your weight fluctuates, your shoe size is always going to stay stable; the only addendum to this rule being if you're PMS and retaining water. Be assured that this is only a temporary drama and no need to reach for a Xanax. However, it is suggested you buy at least one pair of black heels (preferably Prada) as well as one pair of loafers (Gucci always works) in a half size larger for that time of the month. Good shoes can make a Jaclyn Smith K Mart outfit look like it came off the rack at Barney's-maybe the Barney's Outlet, but Barney's nonetheless. The right heel gives your hips a nice sway when you walk (especially if they're Manolo Blahniks) and, in some cases (ie. this season's Helmut Lang's S&M looking sandal boot) can serve as a way of acting out sexually without actually having to come into contact with a human being. Lastly, shoes serve as a great conversation starter when you find yourself stuck amongst other women whom you're too terrified to talk to because they look way too put together while you feel like something the cat dragged in. Please be advised this rule also applies to black pants.
4. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Although I would love to take credit for this wise adage, I must attribute it to the great wordsmith Maya Angelou. However, I do have a dearth of experience with this statement, especially when applied to the context of a man saying "You're too good for me." If a man says "You're too good for me," chances are he's telling the truth. If he says, "I don't deserve you," chances are he doesn't. Although you may initially relish the challenge of a good fixer-upper, save yourself some valuable time and money that would otherwise be spent on therapy after you come to realize the foundation is actually cracked and move on. Money saved can then be spent on new shoes. However, if you choose not to listen to what is being said and you end up moving in with him and buying an expensive king size bed that you end up keeping when it's time to divide up the community property, think long and hard and refer to rule #1 regarding the purchase of cats before making any drastic decisions.
5. There's a reason people are forced to do the on-line dating thing. As shocking as it may seem, sometimes people end up exaggerating or even outright lying in their witty profiles that you know they spent days and days composing. In addition, the photos they submit may not be the most recent replication of their staggering good looks. For some reason, this seems to very often be the case in the personals section of the widely read Jewish Journal which, if you're lucky, your father will cull through on a weekly basis and pick out the shining stars of your faith which he will then email to you, saving you a great deal of time. For some reason, a picture of a man named Seymour standing next to his dog named Mo with both parties wearing identical ties is not a rarity. However, if one is not scared off by this and still wants to partake in this new millennium ritual, just be sure to read the fine print, as miscellaneous comments such as "I'm not interested in meeting a woman who takes any sort of mood altering drugs—whether recreationally or prescribed by a doctor" can be buried within the tome of witticisms.
6. Doing errands is not considered an actual hobby. Apparently, when asked the loaded question, "So, what are your hobbies?" by your prospective mate during the first awkward phone call, a painful silence where your breathing can be heard followed by the response "Uh…I do errands?" does not necessarily make you seem well-rounded or terribly interesting. If this answer seems to come up time and time again, you should think about developing a palette of pastimes that you can mention without people giving you a strange look. FYI, the hobbies of compulsively worrying or looking up old high school boyfriends on classmates.com do not seem to elicit much faith that you're of sound state of mind. At least try to come up with some activities you enjoy that are not confined to the privacy of your bedroom. As a point of reference, a hobby is something that you participate in on a regular basis, as opposed to something you do once or twice a year (ie. "I go to the dentist"). In addition, attending twelve-step meetings is not considered a veritable hobby in many social circles and, if divulged too early, may result in an awkward lull in conversation while your prospective mate decides whether to continue this burgeoning relationship. If you're still at a loss as to what constitutes a hobby or you do not know where to turn, consider flipping through the latest Learning Annex catalog where you can enroll in such classes as "How To Be A Model" taught by Rachel Hunter where you can learn how to walk in those Manolo Blahniks that you bought with the money saved in therapy because you dumped the guy after remembering what you learned in rule number 5. For those of you with a more New Age bent, you can also pick up the Whole Person catalog at your nearest Erewhon or Bohdi Tree where you can partake in the Vegan Comedy Cooking Class, or Tribal Drumming To Unleash Your Inner Goddess.
7. You can be too rich and too thin. Just look at Princess Diana. Or Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. If you've been living under a rock for the last few years and had not heard, they're both dead. And apparently their lives were not the perfect storybook ones we originally thought. For further evidence, go to your nearest checkout counter and pick up any tabloid or People magazine. Princesses and American royalty aren't immune from tragedy, nor are former supermodels (ie. Nikki Taylor), so it's better to get comfortable in your own life and accept the things you cannot change. Your prince (or princess, depending on your orientation) may not necessarily come riding in on a white horse or a 500 series BMW which is why you'll need to work on rescuing yourself. Once you turn your gaze inward instead of focusing on the outside stuff that you feel is going to hasten your arrival at the ever elusive "there" and you begin to look at the really scary stuff, you can begin to let it go. And chances are, if you manage to accomplish that, then your prince, who will now have been demoted to mere mortal status, will ultimately cross your path when the time is right. If by then you're not too busy gliding on your sexy, strappy heels through your fabulously fulfilling life with your newfound hobbies, you might just look up at the right moment and notice him.
After a successful 11 year run as a television executive, Robin Palmer
lapsed into insanity and is leaving her job to be a full-time writer.
Because she lives in Los Angeles, she has written the requisite screenplay
(which has just been optioned) but her true love is the essay form.
Note: Featured Author for November 2001
E-mail: RPalmer321@aol.com
Writing interests: Being an overeducated, overwhelmed 30something woman
with too many choices, pop culture, relationships, spirituality.
I.D. Theory articles: "Seven
Things I Learned This Year" | "Very
Little Sex & The City"