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The Truth about Women
We whine. We cry. We bitch and moan.
We turn our head, and just want to go to bed. Especially when you want some head.
Ooooh, and who could forget "Are you really wearing that?" or "Honey, do I look fat?"
We gripe. We emote. We persistently ask to elope. You give us your soul, but we're ready to roll, eh, just onto the next poor sap.
"Where did I go wrong?" you ask. "What did I do?"
But the answer's so simple: You did too
much of this, and too little of that.
And there was that one time when you paused before answering, "No,
you're not fat."
You didn't show your emotions; then you
did, but she got bored. (And you occasionally snored.) You were too aloof,
then too attached. When asked to slow down, too aloof again — and (sob)
NOT INTERESTED?
You were such a.....such a.....Man.
Sound familiar?
The opposite sex. A persistent thorn in the other's side. Without those
constant tensions that may eventually one day blossom into love — or
decompose into a pit of despair — pop music would die, Julia Roberts
would be minus one career, and the rest of us would have a little more
peace of mind.
The following question was posed to me and is of particular interest to the male readers: Why are women such bitches?
One minute you are smooth, the next you are getting slapped. The question burns in your mind — what turns such normally sweet females into frightening Megabitches?
The Female Bitch Factor (FBF) can strike at any time and is perplexing to the male mind. Since there are so many causes of FBF, and the category is so broad...I've decided to focus on the number one cause of FBF.
That would be Nature (aka PMS). I am no exception to this cause of FBF — unless I'm in a chocolate factory 3-5 days a month, I'm either in a generally pissy mood, or an extraordinarily good mood. This mood can change at any time, often unprovoked, which can cause anyone in my presence to suddenly feel they are on the set of the Crocodile Hunter.
Now, this monthly visitor is scientific fact. I could bore you with the hormonal changes that make this all occur, but I'm sure you are more concerned with why you are sleeping on the couch, and how to get back into the bed.
Not all women experience this factor. This is one reason why it is of the utmost imperative to never under any circumstances (including your significant other telling you she has PMS) mention that her current state of pissyness might be caused by her monthly friend. My boyfriend mentioned this once....he found his chewed-up head a few days later. I later apologized, of course, blaming my rage on my Auntie Flo.
The best thing to do if you sense the FBF could be caused by nature is to agree with what the girl is saying, no matter how horrifically wrong.
Her FBF-induced comment: "The sky is green dammit, and it's your fault this whole damned planet thinks otherwise."
Your response (unless suicidal): "I'm sorry, you are right, honey. Would you like some chocolate cake? If this still bothers you later, we can discuss it further, but all I can think to say now is I'm sorry."
The almost obvious exception to this rule is cheating. If she asks a question in this genre the appropriate response is: "WHAT???? I was just talking to my friends about how I must be the luckiest guy in the world to be with you....how could you even think such a thing?"
It really doesn't matter that you were just talking to your friends (most of whom are totally unaware you are seeing anyone) about the Rams defensive line. The point is, she's appeased, which will make you happier in the end. Even if you do seem cheesy now.
If nature is not the factor...the reasons for the sweet-to-bitch switch are more numerous than the number of times a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"
I will answer specific questions in future articles.
Jessica Rowland is not a very good chess player. At all. If you have any questions that you would like her to answer in a future article, or if you would just like to send her a nice, big chocolate cake, email jrowland@mail.utexas.edu.