So You Want to Date a Stripper?

So you got a stripper's phone number, huh? Called her up and chattedabout this and that and had a nice little conversation with her,huh? What's her name? Cinnamon? Going out with her for lunch onSaturday, eh? Very Nice. Here are a few tips — because datinga stripper is a hazardous affair and the only thing you're goingto get out of this insane ride are bragging rights for the restof your life. This article is based on information gleaned frommy brief stay in Stripperville.

First of all, you've got to have a destination in mind before youembark on this venture. What do you want from the Stripper? A fewfun evenings out on the town with a little hottie on your arm? Sex?Free passes to the Titty Bar where you met her? Everlasting truelove? Handjob? Look — walking into this without a goal is certainmeans for failure, because she operates on her own terms and ifyou let her manipulate you and lead the show, you're sunk. She meets50 guys a night who are potential dates, so she's just playing theodds with you. She's thinking she just might meet someonewho can handle her, but no one can. Trust me. No one can handleher. You'll never change her or pull her out of Stripperville. Rememberthat and keep your eyes on the prize.

Several points to consider:

1. You're not Special.

You're one of 18 guys she's juggling right now, and one of a hundredwho witness her naked glory every night. It's her job tomake guys feel like they're the only one she's interestedin. She gets paid handsomely for that skill. That sultry stare she'sgiving you across the dinner table with those piercing green eyesis the same look that forces 75 men-a-night to fumble for theirwallets and jam fistfuls of green into her G-string even thoughthey're six months behind on child support.

2. She makes more money than you. Get used to it.

Keep in mind that she pulls down more than most corporate attorneys(who also represent a large portion of her clientele). She's ripping2-5K a week tax-free, and you shouldn't expect her to pay for anything.It's not in her nature. Guys fawn all over her every single nightand offer her stacks of crisp Benjamins in an effort to get theirknobs slobbered on in the parking lot behind the club (somethingshe'll claim she's never done, but the other girls at the club have— right — she's done it at least once).

3. If you get emotionally involved with this girl, you're infor a hurricane of pain.

Your future with this chick: broken dates, shattered windows, holespunched in doors, a slew of ex-boyfriends and husbands, a thousand"friends" calling all the time, an encyclopedia of restrainingorders she has out on said exes and a couple customers who stalkedher for six months. Her apartment is littered with soggy G-stringsand cheap 8-inch heeled shoes, along with empty tubes of body glitter,mascara, prescription drugs, zit cream, Aqua Net and Polaroid picturesof her and her "friends" engaged in some drinking anddancing on St. Patrick's Day last year. The Polaroid pictures ofher and her stripper friends getting nasty for the entirebar are still circulating around town because one of the guys shedated last month stole them out of her nightstand when he sensedthe end was near and he wasn't going to be getting any more CinnamonLove.

3. She has more guy friends than you had all throughout highschool and college, collectively.

Sometimes they'll just drop in when you two are hanging out andyou're thinking it might get romantic. The guy friend will ask her— right in front of you — if she wants to go to HappyHour at the Knick Knack Paddy Whack Lounge and she'll look at youwith bright eyes and say, "Yeah — let's go to Happy Hourwith Tim here — it'll be fun!" And you, still grippingon to that glimmer of hope for some pussy, will say yes and you'llspend the next three hours in a simmering rage while you quaff watered-downBud Light drafts, because she's the most popular girl in the barand every person with a penis in there is looking to hop on theStripper Wagon that is blazing through Stripperville at a very unsafespeed.

All of those "guy friends" started out just like you,chief. They saw the Promised Titty Land and thought they could getthere, too. Once they tired of the bullshit and drama, or she foundsomeone else, they were relegated to "friends." They could'vebought a fucking sailboat with all the money they blew onyoung Cinnamon, and now they hang on to some last vestige of hope,thinking that she may just get drunk enough some night and let themput their spit on the slit. You guys could all get together andswap the exact same stories about wasted nights, full-blown disappointment,and confused, desperate whack-off sessions when you all found outthat dating a stripper is no different than trying to debate Nietzschewith a Dalmation.

4. Her life is a flurry of activity selected at random.

This stimulates her sub-par self-esteem. At 10am she will be rocketingdown the freeway at 130mph on the back of some guy's crotch rocket.By 1pm she's already at some different guy's house, swimming nakedin the pool with him and his Great Dane named Robo. By 5pm she'sdoing "X" at some other guy's house, and from thereshe goes home for the five-minute shower and gets ready for work.

5. She'll blow you off for three dates in a row.

When you keep calling, she knows she has you. That Saturday nightdinner and special room you've secured at the fucking Ritz willbe vaporized after she tells you she's going to Mexico with someof her "friends." Her whimsical trip to Mexico will foreverafter be known as Cabo Wabo Orgy 2002, and you'll likely come acrosssome digital pix of her fellating two guys on the beach in Cabowhile you're scanning some amateur porn site on the Net.

It's a crazy affair, for sure, but just remember these do's anddon'ts and you'll be fine:

DON'T ever call her and not announce your name. Her phonerings more than all of the lines at the New York Times combined.Don't put her in the precarious position of trying to guess yourname. "Is it Steve? Rick? Mike? Dave? Javier? Justin? Michael?Chris? Matt? Juan? Adam? Alex? Roberto? Ed? Brian? Eugene? Tim?"She'll make it quite clear that she has many suitors, which excitesher to no end, and puts you in a bottle of bourbon all alone by9pm that night. Try to sound upbeat: "Hi Cinnamon, this isGreg, I was just walking through Tiffany's, looking at a $900 sterling-silverashtray and thought of you." (She smokes. They all smoke. She'dgush over an ashtray from Tiffany's. Don't buy it, though. Makeher think you would've bought it for her, if only there wasa rose engraved on it.)

DON'T ask her about her fucking tattoos unless you wantto look like one of her customers.

DON'T go see her at her job unless it's absolutely necessary.A necessity would be getting her condo key so you can go feed hercat. If you get to that point, FYI, you're now one of her "friends,"and you can wrap up the sexual fantasies you have of her by beatingoff right on her pillow after you throw the cat some Meow Mix.

DON'T try to keep up with her. Don't skip work to spendthe day with her. She works nights and you work days. Keep yourjob. Her days are spent at tanning booths, Frederick's of Hollywoodand chic outdoor cafés where her and her stripper "friends"eat poached salmon salads with dressing on the side.

DO carry lots of hundreds in a money clip. Make sure shesees you strip off the bills when the dinner check comes. Or betteryet, whip out the Corporate Amex and toss it on the table like you'refolding a bad poker hand. Clasp your hands behind your head andlean back into your chair after you make the Amex toss, as if tosay, "See that? Unlimited credit, baby."

DO kiss her on the cheek when she shows up at your placefor the nice dinner you're going to cook her, and knock her fishnetsoff with your ability to handle the cuisine and wine. At some earlypoint in the evening though, you're going to have to find her cellphone in her purse and steal the battery out of it, because thatthing will ring incessantly and she will eventually find somethingor someone better to do. Pull the battery or she's goingto get some call at midnight, when you've got the Miles Davis playinglightly in the background, and the candles illuminating the roomin a soft glow and you think you're about to "storm the beach."This call will undoubtedly be from one of her "friends"who is going to an after-hours party at some country bar and allof the sudden she'll squeal with delight and jot down the addresson her hand and say to you, "Let's go Two-Stepping at the CountryBunker with John and Kevin!"

DO remember this: strippers are more fucked up than TheWho was during their 1973 U.K. "Quadrophenia" Tour. They'rea bad lot to hang out with, because there's so much freedom andmoney in Stripperville. They've got it all and they don't need youor anyone else. All they need is their Xanax and Raspberry Stolion the rocks and their job. Yeah — the job. That's what fuelsthe lifestyle and you're never going to pry her from it. Don't evensuggest it.

If your goal from the aforementioned list is "sex," youneed to understand that it's going to take at least fivedates. At least. Figure $250 per date. Compound that and it's anice little used Hobie Cat or a decent house payment. While thatfine body, devoid of tan lines, might fuel you to the fifth date,I'd recommend looking into escort services in your area. With anescort, you're getting what you want right off the bat, and it'lllikely cost you half of what Cinnamon is charging.

Good luck in Stripperville. It'll be a short stay, but somethingyou'll talk about for years to come.

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17 thoughts on “So You Want to Date a Stripper?”

  1. Weary Strip Fanatic

    Hey – I’m currently dating a Stripper… let’s just call her Candace. I sought out this article because I’m disobeying my own good judgment because I’ve grown fond of the age-old mythical creature, a “Stripper with a hear of gold.” I’ve been to many strip clubs, and I’ve gone on a few dates with strippers in the past. What makes my situation different is that I work with this girl currently.

    She’s of a broken home, has a laundry list of “friends,” and managed to get pregnant at a young age. Being a sucker for a sweetheart with a broken wing I’ve been hanging out with her a lot lately. She’s completely drug free, and she actually manages to hang onto her money. Her family that she does have seems to have their shit together and are trying desperately to get her to stop working where she is. For the most part she’s got a hell of a lot of opportunity to really change her family legacy, and get her shit together. My concern is whether or not the lifestyle has got her yet.

    I tend to agree with a lot of things that Greg mentions here – but my foolish hope is that this girl (since she’s young yet) will maintain her balance, and move forward with her “dreams” that she’s shared with me about becoming a beautician or whatever else it will take to pry her from the death grip that is the strip club industry.

    I won’t deny that she’s a massive gamble – because I know how irresponsible and undependable strippers can be. I’ve dated them before. I would give any stripper about 3 – 5 % chance of actually being able to function in a normal relationship. But I like this girl enough, and I’m willing to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

    1. Hope it works out im kinda liking someone her name is brittney and I’m not sure if she likes me or not I just came out and said i like you and waiting for a response back but the bad thing was I bought her a ring and now I think she hates me and will not like me got any tips

    2. This article is so far off the mark it is untrue, I work in the entertainment industry, I am teetotal, I don’t touch drugs. My house is spotless and I go home myself after every shift.. I have dated guys from the club and I offer to pay my share at all times.. but the guy is ends up too jealous and ends our relationship… probably after reading the crap you wrote above …

  2. This article has nothing to do with reality. Strippers are normal girls too. If you’re lucky enough to actually take one out, consider yourself special. They see the worst sides of men and if you’re out on a date with one and you’re not paying her you already have a leg up on the competition. This article takes the extreme angle. If you see all these red flags, there is no reason to continue dating that psycho chick. This author doesn’t know what it’s like to date a stripper. It’s just his whacked out fantasy .

  3. Question for you I’m in the middle of a stripper friend I go to see from time to time might wanna date her I buy her hello kitty stuff from time to time cause she likes Hello kitty stuff. What does it mean when she writes in big letters on her poster that I love you and the other thing she asked if I was going to propose to her cause I was buying her an expensive cubic zirconia with Swarovski Elements ring and I told her not anytime soon what does this mean I don’t see her all the time just odd times and I manly just go to see her that’s about it

  4. Hey just read this am interested in a stripper what should I do if I like her but by accident bought her a ring and didn’t mean to come off that way cause I got her number but no response back after the 3 text and I’m worried I may have wrecked it for myself or is there a way I can fix it. I have s feeling she likes me cause she keeps saying that’s she loves me got her name and number

  5. So i am not a regular, venturing into stripperville 3 or 4 times a year usually when other plans fall through. I avoid the gameplayers and never get out of control. I may stay there a few hrs tipping and maybe getting a couple of dances before i leave but quite a few times no one piques my interest or that person never approaches me the right way and i go home with most of my money in my pocket.

    I like to play dumb and act like i dont know the cost of dances etc if thegirl takes the time is isnt nasty and is at least a “7” she may be able to get me in a lap dance.

    So las night im having fun when this cute spinner sits next to me and chats me up. After a while she is flirting… Leaning back on her stool… Legs up across my thighs…exchanging backrubs etc. Its loud and i lean in and really look into her eyes for a bit and feel something. She gasps a bit and says”holy shit you just got way too intimate with me”. I play it cool and say “what would you like for breakfast” …… Classic right…. She says “oh, like im going home with you tonight?” And we both laugh.

    After her time on stage were separated a bit but she finds me later and after some more time together she asks for a dance and i say sure. When i prepay for 4 she seems flattered. Things start out hotter than normal but into the 2nd song i kiss her on the neck and she immediately responds by lifting my chin and DFKing me. This has never happened to me before and continues through the set with way more grabbing and panting than any other girl before.

    After the set i go back to a seat at the bar and she straightens up with the club for the dance. On the way to the changing room the hods up her pointer finger an gives me the “hang on” sign. When she returns she says how long are you staying…and i say til close… She says ok… Dot go anywhere … I need to make some more money.

    5 minutes before close she finds me and asked me where i parked… What kind of car i have and tells me hers and says to go wait for her. She finds me and follows me to my place. We make it to my couch and pick up where we left off. She says she cant stay long and her phone is buzzing. I strip completely first… She says”whoa im not f-ing you”…….. Unless you have a condom. After suiting up she mounts me with glee an acts like she is letting out a lot of sexual frustration. We cum together and enjoy the moment before she starts getting her stuff together. I say “so if i want to see you again i go to the club” she says yes…. ” and i want to see you again”

    you know it

    1. Stripper are pro’s at hustling men for money. If you want a relationship with one, you’re in for a world of hurt….. Their professional lairs as well. Find yourself a normal woman and stay away from the pro’s. Because in the end, you will end up with a broken heart and empty bank account. But don’t listen and see how that end’s up.

  6. So i am not a regular, venturing into stripperville 3 or 4 times a year usually when other plans fall through. I avoid the gameplayers and never get out of control. I may stay there a few hrs tipping and maybe getting a couple of dances before i leave but quite a few times no one piques my interest or that person never approaches me the right way and i go home with most of my money in my pocket.

    I like to play dumb and act like i dont know the cost of dances etc if thegirl takes the time is isnt nasty and is at least a “7” she may be able to get me in a lap dance.

    So las night im having fun when this cute spinner sits next to me and chats me up. After a while she is flirting… Leaning back on her stool… Legs up across my thighs…exchanging backrubs etc. Its loud and i lean in and really look into her eyes for a bit and feel something. She gasps a bit and says”holy shit you just got way too intimate with me”. I play it cool and say “what would you like for breakfast” …… Classic right…. She says “oh, like im going home with you tonight?” And we both laugh.

    After her time on stage were separated a bit but she finds me later and after some more time together she asks for a dance and i say sure. When i prepay for 4 she seems flattered. Things start out hotter than normal but into the 2nd song i kiss her on the neck and she immediately responds by lifting my chin and DFKing me. This has never happened to me before and continues through the set with way more grabbing and panting than any other girl before.

    After the set i go back to a seat at the bar and she straightens up with the club for the dance. On the way to the changing room the hods up her pointer finger an gives me the “hang on” sign. When she returns she says how long are you staying…and i say til close… She says ok… Dot go anywhere … I need to make some more money.

    5 minutes before close she finds me and asked me where i parked… What kind of car i have and tells me hers and says to go wait for her. She finds me and follows me to my place. We make it to my couch and pick up where we left off. She says she cant stay long and her phone is buzzing. I strip completely first… She says”whoa im not f-ing you”…….. Unless you have a condom. After suiting up she mounts me with glee an acts like she is letting out a lot of sexual frustration. We cum together and enjoy the moment before she starts getting her stuff together. I say “so if i want to see you again i go to the club” she says yes…. ” and i want to see you again”

    you know it

  7. Woah literally none of this applies to me. This is creepily mysogynistic. What would you say if you met a stripper that actually WAS saving for (grad) school, with great confidence, no kids, 100% sober, a homebody, who was loyal and grounded? Probably something as stupid as this article. Why are you so jaded?

  8. This article is 17 years old. Some is true, and some is made up even for that time. I have date a couple in my day. Now days most of the gold diggers exist outside the strip club on the internet. Just read one dating site ad and you will understand. The strip club business is fading and those big money days are gone for now. Economic downturn has hit everyone.

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