I’m really, really smart. We’re talking off-the-charts brilliant. You might even say I’m as smart as that genius Donald Trump. Since I want you to be happy, I’m sharing some ways I’m so smart. You’re welcome…
1. I decided to stop tipping. Why give money to waiters? They’ll just squander it. Think about it: that’s 20% of every meal cost right back in my pocket. BOOM. GENIUS. BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. IT’S A TOTALLY LEGAL LOOPHOLE TO GET RICH.
2. No more flushing the toilet after myself in public bathrooms. Why risk touching the toilet and exposing myself to germs when the next guy can do it for me? I’ll have the best health of anyone in the world this way. IT’S OK THAT YOU DIDN’T THINK OF THAT ONE–I LIVE NEAR A UNIVERSITY, SO I’M SMART ABOUT GERM SCIENCE.
3. No more turn signals. What’s the point? You don’t need to know where I’m going. You don’t need that space in front of your car. I can make better use of it by putting my car there immediately and leaving you as little space as possible. This will make driving more efficient. Our roads are a disaster. I ALONE CAN FIX TRAFFIC.
4. I’ve never served in the military or worked in government on any level, but I was born in a military hospital, which makes me really smart about war stuff. I have a top-secret plan for ending all terrorism. I’m gonna tell it to the generals, who will appreciate my insight, having wasted their entire adult lives failing and getting captured like losers and getting PTSD like weaklings. I’m sure they won’t laugh in my face. I CAN’T TELL YOU ANY DETAILS, BUT TRUST ME, IT’S GREAT.
5. I learned something about people, it’s really great. First you tell them something scary and awful, really exaggerate, get them pissed off. Talk about how they’re living in hell, they lose at everything, they’re under attack. Then you tell them you’re the only solution to this problem. This gets them high, because they were scared and bummed out, and there you are to make it all better. (This is also works if you want to start a cult or religion.) Then you gotta have a scapegoat. It’s important to focus their anger and fear towards an outside group: Jews, Muslims, cripples, non-Christians, women, whatever, people fall for it all the time. So then you keep talking about how that group is the problem. They’ll go nuts trying to get rid of this group. You won’t believe how easy it is. And they’ll worship you. Oh, and this is important: Project your biggest flaws onto someone you don’t like, so your followers will think you can’t possibly have that flaw. Run casinos into the ground your whole life? Call someone else a huge failure. Ugly and have weight problems? Attack someone for being ugly and fat. Been sued thousands of times? Call everyone else crooked. Failed at a bunch of marriages by cheating on your wives? Attack someone for having an affair. Outsource all your jobs overseas and hire illegal immigrants while underpaying your workers? Talk about how bad outsourcing is and how illegals ruin everything and workers get shafted by the system. No one will suspect you of doing things if you channel all your anger in speaking out against them. IT’S BRILLIANT. AND I TOTALLY CAME UP WITH IT MYSELF.